"Alan when is your birthday?"

"November."

"That's like, next month."

"No... next month is October."

"Yeah, but October is almost over."

"What?? It's September!"

"What the fuck is in this Coke Zero?"

"At least I kept the horse in the barn when I pulled my pants down in front of your girlfriend."

"Durgin, all you have in the barn is some hay."

"When people walked in to see Batman and Robin they should have given them a jar of vaseline so Joel Shumaker could proceed to rape them in the butt with a razor."

"Have you ever gotten that glow of good feeling whenever you write something really awesome?"

"Yes. I feel like that every time I write my name."

"I hate the internet at Covenant."

"I do too. You know what else I hate? Homosexuals."

"And Jews. The goddamn JEEWWSSS!"

"Daniel and I gave blood today."

"Ewwwwwwww...."

"Oh, not our blood. We collected it from the freshman and turned it in. Some of them complained, and we had to knock Graham unconscious, but we got about three buckets full. AND it's Bella Swan's birthday."

"Man, this is just wrong."

"What Durgin wrote on my Wall?"

"No, the little sister of the girl I had a crush on in high school is now exceptionally hot."